It is not everyday that we get to inaugurate a new venue in the hallowed halls of Lincoln Old-School Wiffle. Many thought that five Wiffle venues spread across three towns were enough. (O.K only four active venues, Gap-Bridge, Hunter S. Thompson, the Friendly Confines, The lovely new Burnham field in Waltham - nicknamed the Ox Yard - and the now, sadly defunct, Twin Oaks) I, for one, still remember the ridicule and scorn heaped upon the wiffling world by a certain Lincoln writer, who shall not be named, in a Burlington Free Press article two years ago. I think Bojhalian (oops) is still in hiding after the commissioner issued a fatwa for his head on a platter. But I digress... It was with great pomp and circumstance that the expansion minded commissioner christened the newest venue in Lowball at the Lincoln Sports field. It was, no one should be surprised, an instant classic. Driven to solve the home field disadvantage conundrum, and with what undisclosed sources say was intense pressure from the WOW (Widows of Wiffle) lobby. The commissioner leapt into action fashioning the first portable field in Lowball history. Everyone agreed that for CCO (Collective Child Observation) games it was essential to establish a field in neutral territory. The benefits of the baseball diamond behind the fire house became immediately evident as pitchers began to toe the slab and bear down on hitters in what was an uncharacteristically low scoring game. Until the sixth inning that is. Tommy "Trot" Thompson increased his scoreless inning streak to six as his bounce back from his catastrophic ten run, five dinger inning begins to look more like an anomaly as it fades in the distance. He added to his impressive outing with two solid doubles and some other single base hits that show this veteran has come to play. Jon "Shoeless, West coast, Wingman, Howard" Howell (a.k.a. Wing sauce) continued his impressive season by throwing shut out ball and continuing to rap the ball soundly. The unit showed up for a few brief innings and managed to escape with only two walked in runs. Indeed it looked as if those unearned runs would be the only two in the game as The Surgeon and Lonichiro were shutting down the Loggers on the mound, but were not able to string together enough solid hitting to get anyone across the plate.
Then came the sixth. El Guapo, fueled by his smoldering rivalry with Lonichiro, called a conference on the mound, sending signals to his fielders about what was about to unfold. Unfortunately, unable to read his complex system of signals, his fielders missed some bleeders up the third base line, which coupled with a walk or two left the Handsome one in a bases loaded pickle. When El Guapo left one hanging right in the wheel house of the unpredictable Lonichiro, there was nothing he could do but watch it sail over the yellow tape. After the game El Guapo's translators seemed a little stymied about how to translate what he'd said to the media in a way that could be repeated on air saying only, "He said it was a good pitch, only except he hit it." The rivalry continues...
Kudos to the commissioner on an exceptional addition to the hallowed lowball tradition.

I would like to announce to the world the arrival of my son Kestrel Wiffle Edwards. The newest wiffler in the world.

Last week a new phenomena swept into the Wiffle world and things may never be the same. Faced with a low turn out, the hardcore crew of the Ox, El Guapo, The Unit, and Lonichiro introduced a twist to spice up the two on two game. The teams it was decided were to be the sluggers, Ox and Guapo, against The fireballing but unpredictable pair of the Unit and Lonich. The terms of play were laid out before the first pitch. The losers would pay the winners a dollar a run. The game commenced at around 4:00 PM and had been predetermined to be a day night double header, with a poker game being the night game. This combination is undoubtedly what sparked the idea for betting on the plastic, but the effect was stunning. The intensity of play for a two on two was electric. The teams were well matched and there was some sharply competitive attitudes that quickly rose to the surface. No stats were kept and the game turned into a pitchers duel of epic proportions. An example of intensity came after the Unit and the Lonster ran up a five run lead in the early going. Guapo took the mound and whisked a first strike past a stunned Lonichiro who was standing in the batters box, but not paying attention as he took his time getting ready. Guap just smiled like a fox and said, "What, you were in the batter's box."
Ox and Guap got back the five runs and a go-ahead sixth in the third inning as the Unit faltered and lost his command on the mound. But they could not hold the lead and let two more runs across in the course of the game. Lonichiro dominated from the mound in four shut out innings and with the late arriving help of Trip Atocha managed to stave off the hungry pair through nine in a riveting 7-6 finish that could change the way wiffle is played forever. By the way Ox still owes the unit fifty cents.

SCARSDALE NY -- In an unconfirmed report from the associated press, the personal physician for wiffleball superstar Michael "El Guapo" Moriarty, Dr. Richard Chop, has had his licence suspended and is under investigation for malpractice, adding another layer of intrigue and controversy to the issues swirling around the troubled slugger. At the start of the season the storied El Guapo underwent a routine elective surgical procedure, the timing of which was questioned by many in the media, "Why wait until opening day to get a vasectomy?" This legitimate query went unanswered by the handsome one's press agent. This media blackout led to much speculation about what was really happening in those famed undergarments. Many suspected a penis enlargement, a common procedure among wifflers, but in a bizarre twist of events it has been revealed that a third testicle was added during the vasectomy, apparently in an attempt by the slugger to increase the level of testosterone in his body. The operation appears to have worked, but the effects of the increased "man juice" appear to have made the superstar irritable and prone to violent mood swings. The desired effects of the procedure, increased hitting power and muscle mass, appear not to have materialized. In an unprecedented statement by his agent it was revealed that Guapo was undergoing procedures at the Wifflearium to have the third testicle, and a great deal of unwanted body hair, removed. "This brings to a close an unpleasant chapter in the controversial goings on of this season" the Commisioner said in a brief statement. "As Lowball is an all inclusive league as far as substances go, the increased testosterone would not have constituted a violation of the rules. Apparently El Guapo wasn't aware that you could get a prescription for that kind of thing." He went on to state that he would like to put this whole sordid incident behind him and get on with the more pressing matter of investigating the proliferation of corked bats.

The last two weeks in Wiffleville have been really quite exceptional in many ways. We had the first truly co-ed game on a very wet Sunday two weeks ago, and then last Sunday was our first foray into international territory with the Wiffle debut of the Damager from Dusseldorf. Jan "Lights out" Santana. A write up of both events is certainly in order, but the real question that everyone has been asking is: "Where is the Guap?" There have been rumors that he is taking a brief sabbatical after his little tantrum at Gap Bridge. Some said he was out of town on vacation, but I have heard from sources close to the troubled slugger that he has been doing a stint in the Wifflearium, the home for troubled Wifflers in Scarsdale, NY. His agent was offering no comments on the missing star's status but he did say, "Mike is in a happy place." When pressed by the commissioner to reveal whether or not Guap will be ready to host at the Friendly Confines this weekend, he did reveal that Guap's Greyhound pulls into Lincoln station at nine AM on saturday, and that the Friendly Confines will be ready to roll. He did pause to add that the tenants have pretty much trashed the place in the mighty slugger's absence but what's a little sheep poo among friends.
Start time on Saturday, 10:00 AM. Friendly Confines.
Stay tuned....

In the blazing sun of an absolutely impeccable day the most rivetingly lackadaisical game of Wiffle, or lackadaisically riveting, etched its way frame by frame into the history books. The Hunter S. Thompson Memorial Greens were in fine form as the parade weary wifflers found thier way to the Beck's backyard. The game started precisely on time, around an hour after the scheduled start time, and the barbeques were fired up shortly after that. The beer was cold and the sun was hot as the two teams took the field. the Bristol Lagers looked like a handsome team with El Guapo, The Surgeon, Trot Thompson, and Hot Rod Beck. The Lincoln Loggers however also came to play, boasting the hot bats of The Ox, Chin Music Claudio Frank, and the ever nasty Lonichiro.
The scoring started early with Lonichiro giving away three runs in the top of the first. The early walks continue to be a bugaboo for him on the mound. In typical form though he was able to pull it together in the second inning and shut down the lagers. The Lincoln team was able to put together some offense in the early going as well, as they tied it at three over the first two innings, and then pulled into a tenuous one run lead in the top half of the fourth.
It was then that the hot haze of the afternoon sun began to combine with the liquid refreshment to make time sort of stop and run fast at the same time. There was a mid game break for the Women of Wiffle to come out and strut their stuff for an inning. Highlights from that include an excellent catch and sharply smacked double by Mrs. The Surgeon. Some dead red pitching by Señora Guapa and Mikaila. The inning was exciting and well played and fun as hell to watch. Quote of the day goes to The Surgeon who said: "My worst nightmare is that they are gonna really like this and I'm gonna have to be stuck watching the kids."
The game resumed but seemed to drag on interminably with everyone talking and greeting new arrivals and saying goodbye to those that were leaving. Ox was finally threatening to leave before the end of the game, as it stretched into the evening hours, it was an odd situation, because with a single run separating the two powerhouse teams it would turn out to be a pitchers duel, and one of the most fiercely contested battles to date.
In the end, the lagers were able to pull it out with a rally in the bottom of the ninth inning, punishing Claudio on the mound and leaving him with a blown save.
Sad. Epic. Exuberant. Seriously ridiculous fun.

It was another stunning day on Saturday as the 2008 season commenced at the hallowed grounds of Gap Bridge field. The field was in great shape and a full contingent of Lowballers showed up to do battle in what turned out to be yet another close game. The teams were chosen by secret draft by Lonichiro and the handsome one. It doesn't seem to matter how we choose the teams the games always seem to come down to a run or two in the ninth inning. The away team the Lagers consisted of Hot Rod Beck, Wingman Howell, Trip Atocha, and Lonichiro, playing against the formidable Loggers boasting the line-up of El Guapo in his first game back from the snip, The Surgeon, Trot Thompson, Vlad Oxley,and Bubba Okajima, from southern Japan sporting some snazzy pinstripes.

The game was a real roots outing as it was agreed not to worry about keeping stats and just to play some hard nosed wiffle. But boy, what a game not to have on record. Lots of plastic left the park buoyed by a fickle but forceful breeze that played havoc with the consistency of the pitches. Hot Rod Beck went yard two times including a towering grand slam shot off Trot that put the Lagers way ahead of the lagging loggers. Lonichiro also delivered a switch hit shot to left and both Trip and Wingman were on their games as the Lagers looked to be cruising to an easy win in the late going.

But, this is Lowball, and the tenacious Loggers were not going to just sit down quietly. Behind the ever intimidating Plastic Surgeon, the Loggers staged a comeback which I would say was of epic proportions if it wasn't something that seems to happen nearly every game. Coming back from an eleven to four deficit they chipped away at the lead with long balls by Trot Thompson and a very near home-run by the Vlox that was bobbled and caught just as it was about to leave the park by Lonichiro. All of the Logger players contributed to the comeback with steady hits and good plate discipline, taking walks when they could get them. The Surgeon virtually shut down the opposition until the bottom of the ninth when the home team Loggers came to the plate to face a late arriving Unit. Matt Brown took the mound in the bottom of the ninth with a two run lead, but his day at fire school left him unprepared to stomp out the flames of this surging Logger team. He didn't seem to have enough time to warm up, as he struggled finding the strike zone, blowing the save and loading the bases as a confident Trot Thompson came to the dish. The Unit dealt a hanging breaking ball over the heart of the plate and Trot turned on it sending it over the head of Atocha who was playing in the hot box at short stop. Lonichro circled under it looking to rob Trot of the double and Atocha ran back but the ball bounced in and out of Lonichiro's hands as Trip Atocha dove over to try and catch the bobble, but to no avail. Trot took a trot around the bases with a walk off double to end the game in stunning fashion, garnering a player of the game nod from his compatriots. The pitcher of the game award went to The Surgeon, in the first of what I think will be many such nominations this season. If even half of the games this season come close to this one for excitement and clutch hitting and pitching then this is promising to be one hell of a season.

Hey Lowballers,
Wisdom and I have a birthday party coming up on Jan 26th and you are all invited. The kid's party starts at Noon and the grown-ups are welcome any time after that. If you have a question about whether you qualify as a kid or a grown-up call me. We usually skate and play hockey on the pond during the day light hours (I realize it's not wiffle but I want women to come to the party too) There will probably be some music and dancing once the sun goes down. Bring a dish to share and come party with us.

***Conflict alert***

Dan Guy has his birthday party on the same day as mine, and this is terribly unfortunate. I'm sorry if you have to choose one over the other. Just think though, if you pace yourself you might be in for a great day.

Thanks to all the Lowballers that showed up at the Bristol Bakery gig. Barika Ensemble is playing at the Richmond Bakery on Thursday Jan. 24th in the evening.
Hope to see you there.

Lonichiro

Hey Lowball nation,
Come to the Bristol Bakery on Friday the 21st and let the Barika Ensemble rock your knee high socks off!

The sun was out in one of those glorious crystaline Lincoln evenings that makes one stop and ponder how it is we all got so lucky to live in this time and place. The game was called for an early start at 5:30 and people showed up early to warm up and talk about strategy. Hit the ball often and hard was the strategy most of us settled on. The DR Power team was looking pretty good in their matching shirts and shorts. Special K made a timely arrival in the official wiffleball K car with a delivery of shirts for the Middlebury Mountaineers. The game got underway promptly at 5:35 and the tension was palpable in the clear air of Bird's Eye Field. The Mountaineers won the toss and opted to be the home team. Mountaineer manager Lonichro took the mound in the top of the first facing the formidable DR Power line up of El Guapo, Trot Thompson, Bubba Okajima, and the first LowBall appearance of School Bus Moriarty.Read more